you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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