i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
