i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
