whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
