I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
