He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
