I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
