You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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