dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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