So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
