wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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