i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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