just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
