Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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