Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
