I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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