Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
