My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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