she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Randomize