Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
