I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
