Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
