planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
