my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
