three words: i give head
three words: not that well
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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