He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
