I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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