i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
