He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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