Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
