Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
