I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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