I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
