i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
