You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
