The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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