he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
