You're my little dorito
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
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