How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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