my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
