I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
