don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
