Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize