New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
