I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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