all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
