I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
