Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
