I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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