i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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