You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
