She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
