i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Be still, my beating vagina.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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