my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
