Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
