why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
This is the high leading the old right now
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
